To Love Like a Sungod part 2  -  My own very personal story

To illustrate what I mean by all this I am going to share some very personal stuff with you.  I have never told anyone these stories before.  This is a heart-wrenching account of the last three major female players in my life.  I will try to be brief and not too self-indulgent.

Cinda was a lovely Dutch woman I knew when I was living in Kent in the early 1990's. She was not my first love by a long way but this is where this particular account begins. She had two children, still living with her and was separated from her husband, and, oh yes, she had cancer.  I don't give myself an easy ride do I?   I loved her like a Sun God, asked her for nothing, gave her everything, spent a small fortune on treatments for her and just trying to keep her happy.

Despite everything her disease grew worse and the time came for her operation.  The young girl (she was just four years old) went to stay with her dad and I let the teenage boy, Alwen, stay at my house.  I spent each day at the hospital with Cinda, tending to her, holding and emptying her sick pan while the nurses stood idly by not lifting a finger.  After a couple of weeks she left the hospital and moved into a nursing home to recuperate.  I visited her every day and was still looking after Alwen.  Eventually it was time for her to come home.  I cleaned her house from top to bottom so it would be pleasant to return home to.  What a nice guy I am.

I carried on looking after her at home while she built up her strength.  Then one day she said she needed to get away for a week or two, on her own (without me).  She wanted to go to some new age type camp somewhere, I don't recall all the details.  Again, Alwen came to live with me.  On her return she told me about the wonderful time she had had, how much better she felt for going and that she had met this really nice Frenchman with dark eyes.  I was devastated.  My business had gone down the pan because I had neglected it to look after Cinda and now I didn't even have Cinda.  I left the area and moved away.  What else could I do?  I just needed a fresh start and a chance to get my head together.  It took a very long time.  A few years later I heard on the grapevine that the cancer had returned and she had died.  I don't blame her for hurting me, for using me, I don't blame her at all.  If I was dying of cancer I would clutch at every straw too, take everything that was offered.  Loving like a Sun God has its price and we Sun Gods have to accept that. I am just glad I was able to help a little

Cass was my next romantic encounter.  I was driving for a living at the time (I had lost everything with the collapse of my retail business in Kent remember). Cass and I had had a few dates and we arranged to meet again in a few day but first I had a long distance, international, job to do.  Anyway I delivered my load but on the way back the crappy old truck I had been paid to drive broke down in the middle of nowhere in deepest Spain and I had to make my own way home. I did try to get hold of Cass on the phone but no joy.  When I failed to turn up for our date she thought I had jilter her.  A couple of days later I did manage to contact her and she met me at the bus station.  Anyway this strange beginning was the start of a beautiful romance, for a while. 

She lived, rent free, in a house owned by her daughter and asked me to move in with her.  I agreed and we were very happy for a few months.  Have you ever noticed with relationships that they start off with a wonderful 'honeymoon period' and then all the crap starts up.  Well the crap started up.  Once she started to show her true colours I realised that she was the nastiest, most argumentative, most disagreeable person I had ever met.  She also had a very loose hold on reality.  She would fall asleep watching a film on the television, take it all in subliminally, and then swear blind that all those terrible things had actually happened to us in our life together.  It really was quite bizarre. 

Anyway I took all this old bollocks for three years then left. She kept phoning me on my mobile and asking me to come back and eventually I agreed to meet her in a beach bar and talk things over.  It was a wild open stretch of coastline where people used to fly motorised paragliders. I watched as she got out of her car with her little dog, walked towards the bar, and got knocked to the ground by one of these idiot paragliding clowns who had failed to take off.  I ran over to where she was and realised that her injuries were very, very severe.  Her back had been ripped right open and she had lost a lot of blood.  I kept her warm and called an ambulance.  Other people had started to gather around and I had to stop one well meaning fool from trying to mover her.  I did not go with her in the ambulance.  Rather I took her little dog home (her home), collected her night things and then rushed to the hospital. 

She was in the operating room for twelve hours.  Eventually one of the doctors came and told me they had done all they could.  They did not know whether or not she would live, and if she did live, whether she would be paralysed.  Her wounds were very close to her spine. They even warned me she may never speak again and could even be a vegetable. Don't forget big, stupid, Sun God Jack had left her, split, sodded off; but how could I desert her now? 

So I went back to her, nursed her, changed her dressing every day.  I was physically sick the first time.  They could not stitch her wound, there was nothing left to stitch, just a great big red hole where her back had once been.  It was not a pleasant sight but I got used to it.  She had to sleep down stairs, I had to carry her to the lavatory, wash her, do everything for her. It was a couple of years before she was fully recovered but she did make a full recovery.  And she could still talk, and talk, and talk, and talk. And she soon remembered what talking was for, it was for being nasty, nasty as hell.  The only way she knew to make herself feel better was to make some other poor sod feel worse, and the nearest poor sod was usually me. 

So I left again.  I spent six years with Cass altogether, six terrible years.  And after I was gone what did she do.  Did she tell her friends, my friends, our friends that she had been rescued and nursed back to health by this really super guy but she had pissed him off big time and driven him away.  Like heck she did!  She could not accept what she had done, how stupid she had been, so she made up lies about how awful I was.  At one point she even told those lies to the police and had me arrested but they soon saw through it all.  I did not even spend one single night in a cell, nor was I ever put on bail.  They knew straight off that she was a nutter. Unfortunately all my friends, lacking the experience of these good police officers, swallowed all the old bollocks hook, line and sinker.  None of them has ever spoken to me since.

Julia was number three in this bizarre trilogy.  I met Julia just three days after leaving Cass.  It was not a romantic encounter to begin with.  She was living with a bloke a good bit older than she was and he had engaged my services which, amongst other things, involved building three websites for him. Anyway I fell for Julia big time.  I mean big time! But I have always had some very strict principals that I live by, one of which is not to mess with another man's woman.  Besides that, I needed the money her boyfriend was paying me.  Addend to those conflicts was the fact that after Cass I had promised myself "NO MORE WOMEN!"  I most certainly was not ready for a relationship. 

Anyway the months went by and eventually I realised that they were in their end game.  He was beating her up and she lived in fear of her life.  It took a while to get to the heart of all this but when I saw the first mark on her head where he had hit her I started asking her out. Just a drink or two in the evening after work, nothing smutty. I had also started to rent an annex on their land so I could be close if the worst should happen. After a few weeks she started to open up to me and the full, horrid truth came out.  I asked her if she wanted shot of him and she said she did so one night she packed his suitcases, I put him in his car and told him to bugger off.  He buggered off.

Now don't get ahead of the story folks, still nothing smutty happened.  I stayed in the annex for several weeks before eventually being invited into the cottage. And before you all start thinking I just started hanging around because she has tons of money, forget it.  For a start she didn't have tons of money, just an old rustic cottage with an annex, a Rover car the boyfriend had bought her, and a failing business which belonged to the boyfriend, not her, and which she was running for him.  And for a second, I was well committed long before I even realised she owned the cottage.  The boyfriend had told me he owned it.  There was absolutely nothing wrong with my motives. 

The first year was hectic to say the least.  The boyfriend did everything he could to get the business and when that failed he did everything he could to destroy it.  I would need several extra pages to give you all the details but suffice it to say that we got the business fair, square and legally.  The guy was a petty crook and was operating an illegal business of his own. He had also stolen money out of a joint bank account they held together.  In the end Julia agreed he could keep the money if he signed over the business which he did.  There were also several other clauses in the contract which he systematically violated.  I built us a new website and reorganised the business until, six years on, we are doing ten times the business we were doing when I first got involved.

I most certainly enjoyed the best days of my life with Julia but there were dark clods on the horizon.  Julia has a drink problem.  In the early days I put it down to all the shit we were going through but as that got pushed further and further into the past, the drink problem persisted.  Now I like a drink as much as anybody.  You know what its like, you go out boozing with a bunch of mates, you all get drunk, happy, laughing, singing, having fun.  All except one daft prat who gets punchy.  Well Julia was the one who gets punchy, not physically but with her mouth.  At her worst she was just as bad as Cass, only unlike Cass, Julia was only nasty occasionally, not every day. The strange thing was that Julia dose not need a skin full to get this way, just a couple of glasses of wine is all it takes.

I left her several times, I don't remember exactly, three or four times but I never stayed away more than a week and always went back.  I loved her very much, I still do, but I just don't need all this unpleasantness in my life.  Now the whole thing about being a Sun God is you can love more than one woman at a time, really love them.  I fell for a woman at work.  I won't name her here, she knows who she is.  You may remember that I said I have a very strict set of rules I live by.  She was not free, I was not free, so NOTHING HAPPENED.  I thought I was covering up my feelings quite well but apparently not.  The whole office knew how I felt.  After a year and a half the news finally found its way to Julia and she just could not live with it.  I did everything for that woman, saved her from getting murdered, saved her business, but she could not accept one little indiscretion from me, even although NOTHING HAPPENED.  Julia made life so unpleasant for everyone that I had no alternative but to leave.  And still NOTHING HAPPENED.

I had hoped I would have got some Brownie Points for my restraint but no, don't be daft, we are dealing with a woman here.  As I write this, sitting at my new computer in my new house, all alone, Julia is making things as difficult as possible.  She is trying to cheat me out of all our joint funds. She is also trying to set my friends against me.  Julia is not telling outright lies the way Cass did but she is putting a nasty spin on things which gives people a very false impression of what is actually going on. I know she is hurting, she has lost me.  I am hurting too.  In just one day I lost a profitable business and two women that I love.  Wow! 

Anyway, that's enough of my problems.  What's the point of telling you all this?  The point is patterns.  Can you see the pattern in these three encounters?  Three women, all of whom needed rescuing, two involving hospitalisation.  And despite being there for them, despite being their knight is rather tarnished armour, despite being their sodding hero, THEY ALL FU**ED ME UP IN THE END!

I said to you before you you can't make this Sun God stuff work unless you are an Alpha Male and I told you about John Alexander's excellent website http://www.youngmansmanual.com/John.htm  and how much it is helping me.  But if like me, you have a pattern of similar disasters, becoming a Alpha Male, in itself, is not enough.  We need to find out what is causing the pattern to reoccur in the first place.  I am a great believer in the power of the mind and I believe that we create our own reality by the dominant thoughts we hold in our minds.  To a certain extent you can change your life through affirmations, through the Law of Attraction and all that but with persistent patterns, something stronger may be needed. 

There is a brilliant organisation in America called the Centerpointe Research Institute.  They offer a number of different tools.  Probably the most important one for clearing blockages that cause the same old patterns to recur is their Holosync meditation programme.  Nearly 300,000 people in 173 countries have used the Holosync meditation programme to make dramatic improvements in their lives. They offer a free demonstration CD. The programme basically does two things.  Firstly it helps you to meditate by quickly getting you safely and effortlessly to states of profoundly deep (and extremely pleasurable) meditation…down to a theta brainwave pattern and secondly it stimulates the creation of new neural pathways between the right and left hemispheres of your brain, balancing your brain and leading you to a high-performance state scientists call "whole brain functioning".  It does a lot of other stuff too, check it all out on their website.  I personally use Holosync every day and it really does work.

Have a great life, you deserve it!

Jack Cox